This shall be my legacy!
After all these years, I finally brought the world to its knees in the most destructive way imaginable - by mildly vandalising the Metropolis Botanical Gardens
Your fate has been sealed, Planet Earth. You will never recover from this villainy. Darkness has consumed you forever!
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a set of curtains.
Doctor: *Drugs patient and straps them to an operating table. Keeps them alive via an IV drip that allows the doctor to torture them slowly over a number of agonising weeks. The doctor cuts away small pieces of flesh and analyses the brain activity, until the patient is robbed of total hope of ever being freed, and starts to have no reaction at all. Loss of body becomes the norm as the patient completely forgets what any other way of life is like. It becomes almost boring. Then one day, the doctor stops cutting, and the patient starts to panic again. The patient is now uneasy because their routine has been interrupted. They start to cry and struggle. They want death to release them from this torment. Then the doctor returns with a sharpened knife in hand. He makes a cut, and the patient calms again* A set of curtains, you say? Well maybe you should pull yourself together!
Patient: *High-fives doctor*
Well, I’m not really one for getting in the swing of things at Halloween, but I thought this year I would try a small, simple type of costume and hit the town as a 1970’s drag queen
I got plenty of candy, and a couple of phone numbers too. Although I think most of these names are fake. Seymour Butz? Hugh Jass? Edward Nygma? No way were any of these guys serious.
Jonathan crane x Harley quinn
Who did this? Who drew this ridiculous, fanciful picture of myself and the former Dr Quinzel cuddling? It is absurd. When I find the artist, they will be punished by being forced to draw countless more of these until the walls of my office are covered. Then, and only then, will they realise how unrealistic it is for…..me and Harley…..to be in love…..and happy together…..forever…..
That is not my theme song! That is Batman’s song, and I am disgusted you would try and associate me with it. I already have a theme song, or have you forgotten how it goes?
There’s 104 days of Summer vacation
'Till work comes along just to end it
So the annual problem for our favourite Doctor
Is finding a good way to spend it
Shooting some children
Or fighting the Batman
Or hiding in an Arkham cell
Creating diseases that don’t yet exist
And making my patients’ lives hell
Dissecting a still-conscious brain
Tearing off someone’s face
Burning an orphanage
And driving the planet insane
As you can see
There’s a whole lot of stuff to do
Before I kill them all
So stick with me ‘cause Doctor Johnny Crane
Is gonna do it all
So stick with me ‘cause Doctor Johnny Crane is
Gonna do it all!
(Mom! Doctor Johnny Crane is FEEDING ME TO RABID DOGS!!!!!!)
I am the proud owner of several scars, and the proud donor of several thousand more. Do not underestimate the value of a scar. Emotional or physical. I have equal amounts of love for them both. And despite how it may appear to the untrained eye, I can spot each with equal ease.
Every scar has a story. A story of how it got there. A story of how the owner feels when they see it, or feel it. A story of why they do or do not cover it up. The origins of scars vary, but they’re all meaningful.
Some of the scars I have inflicted on other people were very superficial. Others fatal. But those aren’t the scars that bring me the most satisfaction. My favourite marks are the ones not put there by me at all. They are the ones people place on themselves. I’ve seen so many variations of self-harm in my time at the Asylum, and their impact never ceases to please me.
I’ll be honest….I never intended to kill you. I just wanted you to know that there was someone out there who wanted you dead. Sometimes, in our loneliest hours, we wonder whether there’s anyone alive who cares enough about us to want us dead. I just want you to know there always will be.
Whenever you feel alone.
And that no one in world cares.
Just remember……Jonathan Crane always wants you dead, even when nobody else does.
I’ve done it. After years of hard work, I have finally released my autobiography.
Sure, it’s only about 30 pages long, many of which are ads for ‘Arrow’, but I think it tells the real Scarecrow story that other books were too scared to tell. You can finally read about the events of my life that other writers called “too boring” and “Dr Crane, you just plagiarised the movie Forrest Gump and wrote your name in place of Forrest’s, didn’t you?”